Friday, April 24, 2009

What Needs To Happen

As B. Diddy so succinctly put it, fuck. Or maybe more accurately, shit. Because that's about the level of play we saw from the Spurs last night. It wasn't NBA or even NBDL level. It was a new level they have invented. SHIT. I would love to think up some good abbreviations for the SHIT acronym but I'm too furious about the play last night. So here's what needs to happen Saturday for the Spurs to have any chance to win:

1) Tony Parker needs to dominate the ball and drive no matter who is in the lane. It was clear last night that Tony Parker's ineffectiveness led to the overall ineffectiveness of the Spurs offense. I don't think Erica Dumpy's warning had an effect on Parker. He just wasn't hitting shots and the Mavs were doing an ok job clogging the lane. Pop needs to adjust and spread the offense out more to give Parker more chances to get into a clear lane. If that means putting Duncan out at 18-20 feet then so be it. Parker is driving the offense now.

2) Bowen needs to get more playing time. I know it seems as if he has slowed down. I think it's just that he's been getting sporadic playing time. There's no way to set yourself and play well when you don't have consistent playing time. The Puerto Rican Midget and Teardrop Head are going to run wild (again) if Parker is assigned to guard either of them. I think Finley and Udoka can possibly handle Barea. But I think the only way to keep Terry in check is to have Bowen on him like a glove. Let's pray Bowen is wearing a cup.

3) We need to find Tim Duncan. He had a great final game of the regular season. His playoffs have been far from Duncan-esque. After a good first game (27 points, 9 boards) Duncan has been Kwame Brown. 13 points and 11 boards in game 2 followed by a stunning 4 points and 2 boards last night. This is not the Tim Duncan I remember. If he's still hurting (tendonosis doesn't just go away) then he needs to tell Pop. If Pop already knows then he needed to adjust accordingly and he didn't. All that being said, if Duncan is feeling well enough to play 30+ minutes, then he needs to see more touches as well. Fuck Michael Finley, Ime Udoka, Matt Bonner, etc. They'll get their shots. If Tim Duncan is healthy he needs to be right up there with Parker in shot attempts. Make Erica Dumpy defend. Get her in foul trouble and go from there. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

4) Hope that if this series does go 7, we don't draw Joey Crawford or Eddie Rush again. I'm not blaming last night on the officials at all. From what I saw they didn't make any huge mistakes. But that just means they're ripe for a massive clusterfuck the next time they ref. You gotta play the percentages. Eddie Rush had to leave the game with an injury. I'm not wishing harm upon anyone but let's hope that keeps him out for the rest of the playoffs. He's like Bennett Salvatore only black.

Those are just a few things that need to happen if the Spurs want to go on to play the Nuggets in Round 2. Of course Ime Udoka could have a flashback, wreck some motherfuckers, and the series would be over. But let's not count on that. We can only have a Frenchman and a Wine Connoisseur.

We are fucked.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Rick Reilly Pops His 800+ Word Cherry

This week finds us immersed in the life of Kobe Bryant. I still laugh when I think about Kobe because the usher at the Spurs game told a Laker fan, "but he's a rapist". So true. Since Reilly decided to do a running diary on KoMe, it turned out to be more than 800 words. Join us as we look at the train wreck that is sure to follow. Reilly's comments will be bolded, italicized, and in yellow. Enjoy.

It's 49 miles from Kobe Bryant's house in Orange County to Staples Center and yet, even in a Ferrari, it takes him 10 hours and 16 minutes.

Why, can't Ferraris fly these days? Somewhere Peter King moans.

What takes him so long? You're about to ride shotgun and find out:

I hope Kobe isn't the kind of guy that gets handsy...

7:15 a.m. Nearly $140 into a cab ride from my place,

It's a shame you couldn't share the fare with your new Podcast buddy Bill Simmons.

a security gate opens at the end of a very swank cul de sac to reveal Kobe Bryant, father of two, standing in front of seven vehicles—the Ferrari, the Range Rover, the Escalade, the Bentley Coupe, the two-door plastic Fred Flintstone car, the training-wheels bike and the tricycle smashed into a bush.

I see what you did there Rick. You sucked us in by saying there were 7 vehicles. But it turns out 4 of them are just for kids. You silly goose you.

"You ready to go?" he asks. "I hate to be late."

"I also hate it when bitches say no."

I have a bag and nowhere to put it, since the Ferrari is basically a 503-horsepower engine with two seats. So he takes two helmets out of the trunk and puts the bag in.

Not sure what you're really protecting Kobe. Oh, you think there's actually something in Rick Reilly's skull? Silly.

Helmets for a car? Uh-oh.

You deserve a Pulitzer for your passionate use of "Uh-oh". Brilliant I say, brilliant.

7:21 a.m. I immediately spill my coffee in the $300,000-plus Ferrari, but how was I supposed to know he'd demonstrate its 0 to 60 mph in 3.1-seconds right at the very moment I was about to sip my delicious venti mochachino?

Because it's a Ferrari moron. What, did you think he'd ease it out of the driveway so you could sip on your faggy drink?

Trying to wipe up the puddle with my sock without him noticing and trying to be heard over the Ferrari's throaty roar, I nearly yell my interview:

Because taking responsibility for your actions is for bloggers.

Of course, the 11-time All Star doesn't always drive to work.

Sometimes he flies on huge wings made of $100 bills.

Sometimes he has one of his off-duty, armed, Lakers-provided, police officers take him in a customized van so he can watch scouting DVDs and ice his feet and knees.

Or so he can have sex without having to drive at the same time. If Kobe has one weakness, it's multitasking.

(He ices them for 20 minutes three times a day. The man spends more time in ice than Ted Williams.)

Or Walt Disney. Cuz they're cryogenically frozen. Get it? GET IT?!?!?!

Occasionally, though, he charters a helicopter.

Basically flying in on $100 bills.

"Sometimes, there's just things you cannot miss."

Court Dates?

"Like my daughter's soccer game. Because what if I miss her first goal?"

I'm sure you have someone you can pay to get shit like a... video camera.

Can't say I ever choppered into one of my daughter's soccer games, but still.

You really should try it. Traffic and $140 taxis are so 2008.

Bryant, 30, has been known to get up earlier than many barn owls to conduct his famously brutal workouts.

Erroneous. Barn Owls never sleep. Stop lying to the people Rick.

"I like to just get up and get it done," he explained to me, "then I'm back home and nobody's even up. Haven't missed a thing."

I got plenty of time to complain about my teammates in random parking lots afterward. Kobe FTW!

7:30 a.m. Bryant pulls the yellow Ferrari up to a massive OC health club and leaves it. This will happen many times today, leaving the car right in front of buildings. Gods do not park.

Gods valet. Book it. Write it down. Remember.

Today is a Sunday and it's bothering him that he'll have to miss coloring with his girls—6 and 2—watching Ariel in The Little Mermaid for the 1,003rd time...

I feel you're exaggerating Rick.

...with his girls and going to Disneyland with the girls. But he's obsessed with winning the 2009 NBA title, which means he's committed to his boys.

Unless they piss him off and miss a rotation. Then they can massage their own quads after the game. The pricks.

He wants to be as chiseled as possible for the coming playoff pounding.

Too easy.

Grover puts Bryant through a game-day workout like I've never seen. (Warning: If you don't want to feel like a complete jelly-filled donut, don't read this next part.)

I'll take my chances Rick.

Among a dozen other drills, Bryant does suicide push-ups. At the top of the pushup, he launches himself off the mat so hard that both his feet come off the ground and his hands slap his pecs. He does three sets of seven of these. This makes me turn away and whimper softly.

OH MY GOD NOT SUICIDE PUSH-UPS!!! QUIVER IN FEAR MERE MORTALS!!! Seriously Rick, quit being such a pussy/kiss-up.

People are pulling up next to us and waving. And screaming. And taking pictures with their cell phones. And honking. And craning back in their seats to see. And not watching the road. And getting too damn close.

And. And. And. Such a lazy writing tactic. I wish bloggers could get away with this without being labeled poor writers.

Kobe doesn't seem to see any of it.

Obviously he was too busy enjoying the road head you were giving him.

"Life is really good now," he's saying.

"Vanessa says I can get a puppy if I'm reeeeaaaal good this year."

Kobe! Kill 'em tonight! Yeeeeaaahhh bbbboy! [original italics]

I guess Flava Flav is a Kobe Bryant fan.

"And it's funny. A lot of these companies who dumped us during the [sexual assault] trial [in which all charges were dropped] are calling us now asking us to come back. And I just kind of smile and go, 'No. No, thanks, homie. We're good.' But that hurt, dude. To just be dropped like that. It hurt."

Yeah homie. I done played that shit out ya hear? I is being a good boy now and I has stopped raping the white chicks. For real G.

The guy in the Toyota Tundra is signaling that he wants an autograph.

Well Rick, if you could stop blowing Kobe for a second, he could take his right hand and give the man an autograph. Why are you so selfish?

" … I'm just very thankful and blessed. It was really close there for awhile." Even a weekly shopper reporter would follow that answer up with, "What do you mean?"

"But not a blogger. Bloggers are the scum of the....whoops sorry got a pubic hair caught on my tongue."

"No," he says with a grin, "but one time, this one guy was looking back and hit the guy in front of him. Not hard or anything, but he definitely hit the guy. It was kinda funny."

I enjoy the misfortune of others.

With all that chaos, I can't really vouch for the accuracy of all this, but I'm pretty sure Bryant says:

Take anything I say with a grain of salt. I'm just a reporter.

He's taken up golf. Played Pelican Hill the other day with Bobby Plump, the inspiration for the Jimmy Chitwood character in Hoosiers. Forgot to ask why.

Again, just a reporter. Sorry I suck so much at asking questions.

If I weren't in the car, he'd be listening to Lil Wayne, Jay-Z or Biggie Smalls.

White people can't handle rap music. Especially Rick Reilly. Rick thinks The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff were "as edgy as the second premolar!" That's edgy, right?

He and his wife, Vanessa, have no nannies.

Smart move Vanessa.

His daughters speak a mix of English, Spanish and Italian.

It would be nice if she spoke one of them fluently no? Or is Kobe creating a race of superhumans that can speak several languages all at once? Are we doomed?

Forty minutes, 37 missed quotes, and 118 gawkers later,

Excellent reporting. He got the numbers correct but darnit if he can't remember anything Kobe has said.

He pulls up to the spot in front of the door, gets out of the car and doesn't lock it. It's all I can do not to get on my knees and kiss the ground.

Only a God could not lock his car. I am not worthy.

"What if you can't sleep at the hotel?" I ask as he leadfoots it up the 110 North. "What do you do? Walk around downtown L.A.?"

He laughs and looks at me like I just landed from the planet Nimrod.

You aren't?

"Uh, no. I can't walk around LA. There are fans and then there are LAKER fans. LAKER fans are, like, 10 times more into it than regular fans."

Example: One time, he met a man who had the exact same tattoos as him. Literally, the exact same tattoos, down to the size, color, font, style, even the names of his daughters, his wife, the Bible verses, the crown, everything.

Did this man also visit Colorado?

What does he pay for use of the suite for a full season? Zippo!

I can't believe a superstar athlete gets things compted!

Does the man ever see the inside of his wallet?

Because I'd like to live in it. I'd bring my tooth collection.

How bad do you want this title?

So bad I can taste it. It has a faint taste of urine. Not sure why.

"Beyond your comprehension," he says.

Cuz Kobe is an effing genius. He thinks up shit is his sleep that we can't even fathom.

Can this team do it?

No Rick. I'll say no because what other answer could there possibly be? I mean really. Not only do they have the best record in the West, but you're also asking someone who is ON THE FUCKING TEAM. Pulitzer!

"Yeah, we can do it. We're better equipped this time. Last time (in the finals) we ran into a buzzsaw. That Celtics team was hungry. And not just hungry, but full of hungry veterans."

They hadn't been fed because everyone was afraid Sam Cassell would tear into everything while it was still raw.

As a couple in a red Hyundai shrieks, "Kobe! Kobe! Take care of us tonight!" he turns into the players' gate, where a guy with a mirror on a pole checks under the Ferrari for bombs. I'm terrified what they'll find.

Could be a Rick Reilly Assassination attempt. Quick! To the Bat Cave!

Excuse me, Mr. Bryant? There seems to be mochachino leaking from your car?

Drat! Caught red handed. And he would've gotten away with if it weren't for those pesky security guards.

He pulls it right up front, hops out, and immediately there's a still photographer and a mini-cam taking our picture as we walk. I try to get away, but he yanks me back into the shot. "Just mean mug it," he whispers.

*goes to search for this picture of Rick Reilly*

He wears the expression of a mafia don on the way to a trial.

He has some experience with these faces.

I try it, but I can't pull it off. I look like a man suffering upper gastro-intestinal blockage.

Damn thought that was gonna be our first dental simile. Oh well I can settle for a poop simile.

It's 5:31 p.m. The Kobe Kommute is over...

That's not how it's spelled.

He's still got the game to go. (The Lakers will defeat the Clippers, 88-85, with Bryant scoring 18 points on 5-for-15 shooting—proving that, occasionally, Kobe DOES miss things.)

Like his sexual freedom?

As for me, I'm so exhausted, there's only one thing I want to do.

Get another venti mochachino? Maybe your weekly teeth cleaning?

Go somewhere quiet and watch Ariel.

A grown man watching The Little Mermaid by himself. Sure, that's not creepy at all.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Two Down, One To Go

The Spurs have done their part. But so have the Blazers. If Houston and San Antonio both win their final games, they'll have the same record.

The first tiebreaker will be head-to-head. They have each beat each other twice, splitting home and away (each had 1 win in the other city).

So the next tiebreaker is division record. And shocker, if they both win their final games, they'll have the same record against division opponents.

The third tiebreaker and in-conference record. Guess what. Yep, they'll have the same in-conference record.

The 4th tiebreaker is record against playoff eligible teams in-conference. Unfortunately (actually fortunately if you read my Playoff Musings post) the Spurs are 11-13 in this situation. The Rockettes are 14-12. So that would be the final tiebreaker and Houston would have it. Basically this means Houston is assured the 3rd seed or better (GOOD) if they win Wednesday.

The situation with Portland is much simpler. If they win, they get the 4th seed because of head-to-head (3-1 regular season). If they lose and the Spurs win they get the 5th seed. Unfortunately (now for real) for us, their last game is against Denver who has already locked up their Division. The only way Denver won't get the 2 seed is if they lose and Houston wins. Houston has beat Denver twice this year and they have only played 3 times so Houston owns the head-to-head tiebreaker. We can only hope this motivates Karl to try and beat Portland.

To put it simply, we want the Rockets, Spurs, and Nuggets to win their final games. That will give us playoff seeding (1-5) that looks like this:

1. Lakers
2. Nuggets
3. Rockets
4. Spurs
5. Trail Blazers

If The Spurs, Rockets, and Blazers all win the seeding will look like this:

1. Lakers
2. Rockets
3. Nuggets
4. Trail Blazers
5. Spurs

In other words a whole lotta suck.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

LeBron is Really Really Really Really Really Really Humble

LeBron James is pretty good. He can't post anyone up who is taller than 6'3 but let's be honest, who can?everyone The Cavs have made their own little website to promote LeBron for MVP 2009. The URL is Catchy, ain't it? They even have a song by the Ohio Players (get it?) playing when you open the site. It's a real money maker for LeBron and the Cavs. It shows all his stats and accolades and urges you to consider voting for him for MV...wait. Fans don't get to vote. Awwww, shucks. I guess this site is nothing more than a marketing ploy to get you to talk about LeBron, write to your congressman about LeBron, buy LeBron merchandise, and masturbate to pictures of LeBron pretending to take pictures. It's no secret I dislike Kobe. I dislike Kobe a lot. But this shit with LeBron is getting tired. He's an amazing player. But jesus fucking christ have some humility. Am I blowing things out of proportion? After all it was the Cavs, not LeBron, who set up the web site. Oh lookie here!

Notice this isn't even in the locker room

Yes that says, "Chosen 1". At least Kobe's tattoos are only a thinly veiled apology for raping some white chick. Oh and the pretend photoshoot before EVERY GAME. We get it, you're an easy going guy who likes to have fun. But ya know, you might wanna think about what other people see and think when you start pulling shit like that. It was funny the first time or two. Now it's not. Now it's just annoying. Come up with something new (hahaha that would indicate intelligence) or shut it the fuck down.

So in the end I hope Dwyane Wade gets the MVP. Giving people Herpes is pretty fucked up but that's his personal life. He won't win though. It'll be LeBron and it will most likely be the Cavs vs. Lakers finals the NBA wants. It's lose-lose for us Spurs fans. Either KoMe and The Colonel win or LeBron wins and he just gets more "humble". Shoot me now.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Playoff Musings

For a brief time last night the Spurs were back in place as the 3rd seed in the Western Conference. The win over the Jazz put them into a tie with the Rockets and the Spurs own the tiebreaker at this time. Later on last night the Rockets beat the team from Golden State (I refuse to call them by their name) so the whole 3rd seed thing went *POOF*. But I'm gonna tell you why that might not be a bad thing.

Right now the Spurs are the 5th seed in the West. If there are no other changes in seeding the playoffs would look like this:

1 Lakers vs. 8 Jazz

Everyone thinks this matchup would be tougher on the Lakers than other matchups. I call bullshit. The Jazz are terrible on the road and the Spurs didn't seem to have trouble with them (basically the same team) in Utah back in 2007. I'd say Lakers in 4 or 5.

2 Nuggies vs. 7 Mavericks

This is actually pretty interesting. The Nuggets are legendary playoff no-shows. But so is _allas. Carlisle is a good coach but his PG can't score reliably and his C belongs in the WNBA. I'd say this series goes 6 games with the Nuggies coming out on top.

3 Rockettes vs. 6 Hornets

I really like this matchup. The Hornets have been fairly shitty compared to last year. The Rockettes are playing well but their coach hasn't done anything significant in 20 years. If Chandler is healthy and Peja gets his new bio-engineered back installed, I could actually see the Hornets winning this series. I still think it goes 6 or 7 games.

4 Greg Odens vs. 5 Your San Antonio Spurs

The Blazers have had their way with the Spurs recently. That's no reason to think the Blazers young lineup can handle the pressure of the playoffs. I think the Spurs will have trouble but in the end I don't think the HCA will have that great of an effect on the series. I optimistically say the Spurs would take the series in 6.

That would leave us with these Semi (boner joke!) matchups:

1 Lakers vs. 5 Your San Antonio Spurs
2 Nuggies vs. 3 Rockettes/6 Hornets

But but but, how can the Spurs playing the Lakers in the Semis be any better than playing them in such a huge WCF? If you settle down and take your dick out of your ass I can explain it.

Remember last year when the Spurs had to go through a 7 game series with Chris Paul and his nut punching posse? Right, we all remember. The blowouts, the close games, and Chris Paul doing a great job selling fouls. I think you can see where I'm going with this. By the time the Spurs got to LA to play the Fake Show, they were exhausted and injured. It can happen any year. Your team has a tough first round (if you live in Dallas) or second round and then crap out in the Semis or Finals (if you live in Dallas). That's why I think the only shot the Spurs have at beating the Lakers is if they meet them in the second round as opposed to the WCF. Duncan won't be icing down his knees after every game in the second round (hopefully) and all of our geriatric players will still be somewhat fresh. That's why NOT getting the 3 seed would actually be beneficial to this group. Obviously the 4 seed would be better than the 5*, but I don't think the Odens can pull of a playoff victory yet.

* - Both Portland and SA have 3 games left with 2 being against shitty teams each. Portland plays Denver last and SA plays NOLA last. Those last 2 games could decide the 4/5 seeding.

Friday, April 10, 2009

I Weep

This is a picture of Manu's hurt ankle (fibula). He posted this on his facebook page along with the following statement:
"Here she is my companion by the next days. Uncomfortable and heaviest, but it is what there is… Only 6 or 8 hours just."

Thanks Babelfish! I guess we can take this to mean the boot is heavy and he has to wear it 6-8 hours a day. However, Manu will need to nurse the injury for 6 months or more. It will depend on how quickly his bones heal. I know, Captain Obvious. But there seem to be a wide range of recovery times for injuries such as his (stress reaction/fracture). So Manu, stay off the ankle and I'll personally send you some of these. They're for women? I guess that would explain why I love The Devil Wears Prada so much.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The One Where We Laugh at Danny Ferry

"So that's when I tells him, 'you gotta get the horse close to the ball first'. It was a laugh riot."

I'm not sure what's the saddest part about this. The fact that Danny Ferry is wearing...that...or the fact that they printed and distributed this card. How do I know for sure it was distributed you ask. Oh, well I have one. HEY-O! If anyone is interested in buying said abortion, I shall open the bidding at $15. Too high? Yeah, I am.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I Don't Wanna Talk About It

Here. These should make us feel better.

Rick Reilly and His 800 Words

Our friends (unbeknown to them) over at Kissing Suzy Kolber have a hilarious, yet informative running series based on Peter King. Big Daddy Drew reads Peter King's latest column, copies and pastes it, and gives us funny little responses to Peter's more outrageous statements (COFFEE FLAVORED WATER!!!!). It's something I look forward to. But someone who might deserve a similar treatment is Rick Reilly. I'm not sure if any of you have ever read one of Reilly's columns but it's like reading...shit. Pure shit. So let's get started with his latest about Hasheem Thabeet. Rick's comments will be bolded, italicized, and in red though hopefully you'll be able to tell from the crap-level of the writing.

The beauty in The Beast is the problem.

Uh oh I feel a philosophical article coming. Quick, turn on your brains before it's too late!

He kids. He dances. He hugs. And this is in the first half.

Because it's impossible to do these things normally when you play basketball. Thabeet must be some sort of super man.

He laughs. He tells jokes. He does his Dick Vitale impression. During warmups.

I guess Mr. Multi-tasker can't do everything while his teammates are working hard to win a basketball game. He needs the warmup period too. And what is a Dick Vitale impression? Head exploding while getting every prediction wrong?

He is the least of beasts, actually.

He's no Bruce Kuczenski.

But UConn's 7'3'' junior center Hasheem (The Beast) Thabeet can't help it. He is terminally cheerful. He knows what NBA scouts have said about him: Not nearly mean and nasty enough … most (NBA) guys will go right through him. Which is undeniably true.

Ouch. Rick Reilly just said you were too weak to make it in the NBA. This is the same man who loves using dental similes in his columns. I guess Thabeet is just like a deciduous tooth that needs pullin'. He's weak but strong enough to be a top 5 college basketball player.

You can see for yourself this Final Four, as 'Sheem the Beam and the Huskies roll into Detroit. He gets the rebound and tiny people slap his wrists until he lets it go.

Normally that's called a "foul" Rick.

Runts push him off the blocks like cops with nightsticks. His dunk would hardly dent a marshmallow.


"I do not know how to control this," grins Thabeet (thaa-BEET). "Maybe I'll be mean enough someday."

According to the internet it's actually ha-SHEEM tuh-BEET. Thanks Rick.


What a dick. Is the point of this article to emotionally cripple this young man?

Example: You ask The Beast if you can speak to his mom.

Apparently so.

He gives you his own cell number and says, "I will translate!" So, later, you call it, sure you've got a fake, and his voicemail answers.

Rick Reilly has done this so many times he is now expecting athletes to give him fake numbers. Now all he needs is a denim vest.

So you leave a message like you've left a thousand others with athletes, knowing you will not get a call back. Except in less than an hour he's calling you back. "I wanted to be sure to return your call right away!" he says.

Imagine that! An athlete who is down to earth and genuinely a nice person. Let's see Rick's next move to destroy this young man's faith in journalists...

Dude. I'm going to need to see some ID.

Totally tubular dude. Let's go catch some waves before Keanu comes and shoots his gun in the air man.

On most any day at UConn, Ucan see The Beast in the Student Union quad, eating lunch, surrounded by 12 to 15 students, all of them giggling.

I see what you did there Rick. Clever.

He absorbs everything, a kind of SpongeBob Tall Pants.

This man is being paid millions of dollars to write for ESPN. Maybe we could write our respective congressman and try to get some sort of bill passed that outlaws retards like this from making so much money.

In Tanzania, he was a model, a TV crewmember, and a security guard at concerts. And that was before his 15th birthday.

He is Super Man!

"They thought I was much older," he laughs. "People would let me do anything!"

If only this interview had been done in Tanzania, they would have let you kill and dismember Rick Reilly.

Really? You? A bouncer? "Oh, no, I was terrible. The fights would start and I would run away!" You begin to see the problem.

Yeah I'm seein' the problem.

One day, his father lent him his best atlas to take to fifth grade show and tell.

Rick's father let him take his pristine collection of teeth pulled from famous people. Rick accidentally swallowed Ed Wood's molar and hasn't been the same since.

He promptly lost it. Hasheem feared his father's whipping stick so much that he was too scared to come home. His mother found him that night on the streets, crying.

Let's humiliate him some more!

"He's a very sensitive kid," says UConn trainer James Doran. "When he first got here, any little thing would send him into a panic. He's much better now."

And some more...

Although, in UConn's Elite Eight win over Missouri last weekend, Thabeet hurt his ring finger going after a loose ball. The way he flailed around, you'd have thought he lost an eyeball.

We can be thankful he didn't act like he had lost a tooth. Rick would've jumped into action.

"Well, if you let him," says Doran. "He'll roll clear to the other bucket."

Quicker than dragging his ass all the way down court I suppose.

So you can imagine how Thabeet took it after his Oxford-educated architect father died of diabetes complications when 'Sheem was just 14. The boy was so distraught he quit school. He began taking odd jobs, believing he needed to provide for his mother and two siblings.

Let's call him a pussy for half the article then bring up his dead father. Sounds like a plan.

"I was so worried about him," says his dressmaker mother, Rukia. "I only wanted him to go back to school." He finally did. A year later, a coach in 'Sheem's hometown of Dar es Salaam talked him into trying hoops. But the guys playing it were all so … so … mean!

Rick is so in he can call him 'Sheem without fear of reprisal. Oh wait Thabeet is a huge pussy. I forgot.

"I was scared. So I lied. I told him I didn't have any gears [sic]. But then he gave me gears [sic]. So I had no choice but to play."


Seven years later, the hoops world is about to discover his best gears -- sending shots back to their makers.

He shoots he scores!

Mean or not, he and his Boeing wingspan are second in the nation in blocks this season. At one point this year, he swatted away a three and the opposing coach looked up at him and said, "Thabeet, can't you just let one go?"

He's such a weak and submissive guy but hot damn look at his wing span and how he can block shots in college! That's gotta translate to the NBA because most guys in the NBA are 5'8 and white.

When UConn bested Missouri Saturday and the last-second rebound fell into Thabeet's arms, he celebrated like he'd just taken the Bastille.

At least it wasn't a dental related simile. Still, I didn't know Tanzania = France.

He skipped, pogo-ed, and screamed. He ran 30 rows up into the stands and held his mom. "Thank you for raising me," he gushed, and they both cried. He waved the Tanzanian flag. He grabbed the trophy and struck a Heisman pose.

So now he's a pussy and he prances like a homosexual. I'm bettin' he's gonna love this article.

If UConn wins it all, it would be the first hoops team greeted in the White House by Barack Obama, the first president with African roots. That makes The Beast's eyes a little misty. "I only wish my father could be here to share this with me," he says, still hugging the ball.

SPOILER: They don't win it all.

So many players in this Final Four, in this draft, in this game, live their lives for a nearly unreachable thing: starring in the NBA.

I wish more would go into journalism so they could put you out of work.

Most of them won't star; most won't even get there. It can be crushing. But Thabeet is one kid I don't worry about.

Unless he's under the basket getting his wrist slapped by runts.

His light you can't put out.

Unless you push him around.

He is more resilient than a Slinky.

Send complaints here.

And it's nice to know that whatever happens, Thabeet goes on.

Yeah but he's a pussy and he skips and carries on like a gaylord. At least according to this article.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Dammit Orlando...

Just when we thought everything was good going into the Sunday game with the Cavs, the Magic had to go and blow it. Dwight Howard and his team of 3 point huxters demolished the LeBrons by 29 points. Normally that would be a great thing as it would show how not unbeatable the LeBrons are. But this is going into another big game with our heroes and that game is in Cleveland. LAME! Why couldn't Orlando have just laid down and died when Nelson went out? We all know that's when their title hopes died. But no, they gotta go and embarrass LeBron and his teammates. Fucking Assholes.

So now the Spurs will have to deal a pissed off LeBron and possibly a cranky troll. The main thing I'm wondering is who is going to guard LeBron on Sunday. Last game Michael Finley got the bulk of the time on him and I think we all know how that went. Malik Hairston is in Austin. Bruce Bowen seems to have broken a hip or something because he is out of the rotation. That basically leaves Money Mason and Finley. Hooray. I'm not sure either guy can effectively guard LeBron but I guess if I had to choose (like choosing between and enema and lighting your hair on fire) I would choose Mason. He's bigger and faster and doesn't use a lot of energy on offense. Knowing this however, means Pop will put Finley on Lebron again. Lookin forward to it jackass!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Drew Gooden Made Me Cream My Pants

I didn't actually get to see tonight's game between the Spurs and the Pacers but this box score tells me all I need to know.

1. Tony Parker can score with the best of long as he's being guarded by someone shitty.

2. Manu Ginobili and Pop have no hesitation throwing him into full swing. He played 36 minutes tonight which was the most by any Spur. Manu did pretty well (16 points on 4-9 shooting with 7 boards and 7 assists) considering he has only been back for a few days.

3. The Pacers kinda suck. This is known because Jacque Vaughn broke the rotation and played 8 minutes.

4. OM-FUCKIN-G Drew Gooden scored 17 points in 13 minutes!!! Rebounds? Not so much; only 3 and 0 of those were offensive. But damn I think this shows what he can do when he's given...who was guarding him? Roy Hibbert? This guy? Oh no it's this guy. Still 17 points in 13 minutes is impressive no matter who is guarding you. I'm eager to see what Drew can do in the playoffs. Someone who can make Garbage Man the Original guard him would be helpful when Tim sits.

Next game is a HUGE one against Cleveland in Cleveland on Sunday. The only team that has beaten the Cavs in Cleveland is the Fake Show. We can only pray the Spurs come out with some kind of desire to show the league they aren't dead yet. This is the first time all season everyone is healthy (Oberto? Surely you're joking) so it should be a decent indicator of where the Spurs are right now in their preparation and development.

Sorry - Re: Hiatus 2 /;')- Other Punctuation Marks

We've been absent again for a little while. It's not that there isn't Spurs news or juicy NBA news (Who knew Allen Iverson was a selfish prick?), but I recently got a new job and I know B.Diddy has been busy as well. Bob is MIA and we're only hoping for the best. Hopefully we'll be able to get things up and running again for all of our reader(s). I know you love it here. All the foul language and insensitivity. It makes you ooze with glee. But for now here's a funny picture of what my life amounted to up until a week ago when I was unemployed and living with my parents*.

* - Still Living With Parents

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