Friday, March 13, 2009

I Hate the Lakers

I was at the game last night. Fellow blog-entrepreneur Bob and I had seats in section 207. Apparently that was the Lakers section. We were literally surrounded by Lakers fans save for a couple old women sitting behind us. It was awful. The game started off terribly. Spurs went down big quick. So the crowd wasn't exactly into it. We were trying to cheer as much as we could but there was little to cheer about.

One idiot Laker fan in particular, we'll call him Assface, was very annoying. Every time a foul was committed, regardless of the total team fouls or where on the floor the foul was committed, Assface would scream out, "FREE THROWS!!!" I guess Laker fans don't know the rules of basketball. I was shocked. Assface would also yell out "STAY ON HIM" whenever Parker had the ball. Maybe he thought Fisher could hear him. The worst one of the night was when Assface screamed, "POKE HIS EYE OUT!" What? Really Assface? Alright, if you're gonna continue to say stupid shit you shall be mocked. So from then on ever time a foul was committed...scratch that, any time there was a stoppage of play I would scream, "FREE THROWS!!!!" I would intermittantly shout out "STAY ON HIM!" or "POKE HIS EYE OUT" as well. I think he got the message because he stopped being a blatant idiot.

As for the game itself, obviously Bob and I were disappointed. However, we both agreed we aren't worried (so long as Manu is healthy for the playoffs). Why? If you were paying attention near the end, right after Parker hit that 3 to cut the difference to 2 points, Mason got called for a foul on a screen set for Kobe. There was a stoppage (FREE THROWS!!!) and then Pop did something that Bob and I couldn't understand. He took Mason off Kobe and out of the game. And instead of putting a guy like Bowen on him (also note Malik was not in uniform), he put George Hill on him. I knew it was over when Pop did that. Kobe hit a three and the game was pretty much lost (Kobe hit another shot over Hill later on). It was obvious Pop was experimenting with defensive assignments. This wouldn't happen in the playoffs. I'm confident with Manu healthy, this team can beat any team in the league. They came back from a huge deficit and almost pulled out a win. Almost.

Highlights of the night:

An usher telling a Laker fan holding out his Kobe jersey, "Yeah but he's a rapist."

Laker fan getting pissed off when I started chanting "BOSTON CELTICS!" after the game.

Some guy was wearing a Rodman jersey.

There was an ad/video montage for a fitness center where the jumbotron panned to different fat people eating. One guy was going to town on a slice of pizza or somethin, had no idea he was on the jumbotron.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Because He's a Douchebag

Last night didn't go so well. I'm not gonna dive deeply into what happened. Let's just say I don't understand why Pop thinks Michael Finley is Bruce Bowen.

So today I'm gonna post some funny pictures! Of who? Well that's the best part.

Here we see Mark Cuban, Mavericks owner and all around fucktard, participating in his two favorite activities; choking and deepthroating penis shaped objects.

MARK!!! Watch out! There's a monkey smashing you with a rock! He looks so shocked something would want to harm him. Usually egomaniacs exhibit those thoughts.

Ooooooohhhh. Marky loves that poop. Especially when it's warm and covering his oversized head and inflated sense of importance.

Not only does Mark like feces pouring over his head, but he also loves drinking dog piss. Don't believe me? Would someone who doesn't like drinking piss ridicule a team that has 4 championships while his team has 0? That's what I thought. Next time think Dingus.

I'm a little teapot, short and stout.

Ah the best one. A picture of the Mavericks' Trophy Case. It will always be empty so long as Mark Cuban is their owner. And that just seems like justice. How does our muddy river taste you shitstick?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Players Whose Age Matches Their Jersey #

You might be wondering what jersey numbers really convey about a player. If you're LeBron James, your jersey number is your futile attempt to be like Michael Jordan. If you're someone like Stephon Marbury, your number is basically just the next step toward being traded. The number doesn't matter, especially if you have it tattooed on your head. But let's go through some players whose numbers represent their perceived age shall we? Yes, we shall.

First we'll start with Chris Paul. A talent like few others. But man, he is one of the biggest babies in the league. His number 3 is usually preceded by his initials, CP. I just like to call him The Guy Who Has Punched Two DIFFERENT Players in the Nuts. It's a bit longer but more apt. Next time you see your cute little 3 year old nephew/brother/son/choir boy, ask him what his favorite thing to do is. I'll betcha he'll say, "hitting peepull in der no-no spot!" Guaran-fucking-tee it.

Moving on, we find Vince Carter as our next spotlight on stat padding...wait what was this about again? Oh right, his jersey number of 15 being the age he acts. And you can't really deny it. How many 16 year old kids decided to go to their college graduation the day of a playoff game? None because 16 year old kids don't graduate from college. Stupid. Oh there's also that little incident where he claimed he was injured (lies...ALL LIES!) but was well enough to go to a Nelly concert. For those of you who are nerds, going to a concert usually entails standing for a long period of time. He also blew off his team while they were on the road. Presumably because it was too hot in thurrr.

Fast forward to the future! Agent Zero is his name and making money while doing nothing is his game. This guy is so far ahead of everyone he isn't really in our plane of existence. Therefore his number 0 makes sense. He has no age because time does not effect him nor is he constrained by it. It's like on that show LOST. Gilbert Arenas is like Richard Alpert. He doesn't age nor does he care what other people do, say, or think. How do I know this? Because he has his own blog (like me!) and I couldn't give a shit what people do, say, or think. Just don't sneeze on him, he might break something.

From the ageless to the aged. And this isn't good aged like in cheese or prostitutes. I'm gonna throw in a hometown guy just so you Spurs fans have something to read without bitching about this being a Spurs blog with non-Spurs related posts. I know you're out there. Our good friend Kurt Thomas is 36 years old (in real life). But you gotta think those bones are at 40 (his jersey number). His eyes on the other hand were created in hell. They are pure evil and have no age. So while most of his body is closing in on 40, his eyes will forever burn holes into people's souls. Beware.

The last guy I'll talk about is Old Man River. You might know him as Greg Oden. His jersey tells us he's already older than Karl Malone, Patrick Ewing, and Charles Barkley. His number is 52 and even that might be a conservative estimate. This guy has more wrinkles than a Sharpei's ass. Or Teri Hatcher's face, either one. Add to that he's been injured for basically his entire career. His one year at Ohio State? Well he had to have surgery on a ligament in his wrist. His first season in the NBA? Microfracture surgery, sorry. And now the first season where he has actually played, he's been hampered by ankle and knee injuries. This guy has to be older than Andy Rooney. Let's just hope he's not as grumpy. It's not that far fetched to believe Ohio State let his real age slide. I mean, they let Maurice Clarett play football for them.

I'm sure there are others, and there will be more in the future, but it's really eye-opening to see that jersey numbers sometimes do mean things. Like Kobe switching from #8 to #24 after he raped (allegedly) that white girl. He was immature (8) but now he's all grown up (24). Like other 24 year olds, now he'll just accidentally impregnate someone and pay them off. Then again date rape is all the rage these days with 24 year olds. Who knows. God, that's who.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Simmons Has a Point or Two

Bill Simmons is known for his humor and long ass articles. But occasionally, he writes something truly great. His latest column (not for "the Mag") is about the financial crisis the NBA is currently in and the troubles ahead. I think all Spurs fans remember the 1998 season and the lockout that accompanied it. Simmons has some bold predictions about the CBA (Collective Bargaining Agreement) that will need to be re-worked in 2011. I highly recommend his article for any true basketball fans.

Here's the link and some notable quotes:

The league would love for you to believe that attendance hasn't been affected, but the NBA's official tally counts only total "customers," counted as paid tickets, comps (seats given to celebrities, sponsors, friends of the team or whomever, a number that can be fudged any way you want), discounted tickets and no-shows.

That conniving has-been nailed it when he called the NBA's current system "broken." The revenue-sharing system dictates specific thresholds for the cap and tax, which is fine as long as revenue doesn't drop dramatically with teams already tied into unsavory player contracts through 2010, 2011 or, in Philly's case with Brand, 2075 (or maybe it just feels that way to Sixers fans).

Looking at the next 15 months only, the consensus of people in the know was that multiple NBA franchises (guesses ranged from three to eight) will move cities, get sold to new owners or throw themselves on the mercy of the league (meaning the NBA would effectively take over operations of that franchise, kinda like what happens in the MLS or WNBA).

Cleveland News Orgy

Not only do we have to think about that loss to the Lebrons on Friday, but now word is coming that Cleveland is ready to sign a "surprise" Free Agent. However, being that today is March 1st and it's also the deadline for a player to be waived and still be eligible for the Playoffs, we'll know who this "surprise" Free Agent is very soon. That is unless Danny Ferry is completely full of shit...which is my guess. I'm thinking this Free Agent is either Joe Smith or Drew Gooden. SURPRISE! Then again this anonymous Free Agent could be this guy. The guy on the left silly. He recently told reporters he's in the market for a come back. Problem is no one wants him.

So let's get to the game on Friday night. I guess I was right to worry. The offense without Tim AND Manu just isn't good enough to keep up with great teams. Dallas and Portland aren't great teams. Hell, even the Cavs had trouble with our scraps. It wasn't until LeBron realized Michael Finley was guarding him (more on this in a second) that the game started to creep, and then run away. And hell, our scrubs are better than theirs. George "Long Arm of the Law" Hill, Malik Hairston, and POPS all played well with their extended 4th quarter minutes.

So now I come to the main point. Pop (not POPS) is either a stubborn bastard or a genius. Finley on LeBron? Really? You think an aging, 6'4 shooting guard can handle a young, 6'8, tank of a human being? Seriously? LeBron looked almost shocked that this guy was guarding him. He took advantage of Finley's spacing to hit at least 4 wide open jump shots in the first half alone.

Then came the defining moment of the game. James went in for a layup and thought he got fouled. The Spurs pushed the ball but came up empty on the other end. LeBron, always the defensive minded player, didn't even leave his end of the floor. So he was fairly open for three. No one closed out and he sank it. Knowing he could hit a three, he shot 2 more in a row. Who was defending him you ask. Michael Finley. Did Finley try to push him inside instead of letting him have open threes? Of course not. That would mean Michael Finley is a capable defender. And we all know that he's not.

What really got me was how Malik Hairston defended LeBron. Hairston might be 6'6 but he's probably closer to 6'4 1/2. Even so, he did amazingly well on LeBron for the brief time he was assigned to him. He even had a nice little block on LeBron in the lane. But obviously, Michael Finley is better. Because not too long after Hairston made that good defensive play, he was taken out. Makes sense.

All in all there was little chance the Spurs were gonna win the game. But Pop's (not POPS) decisions left me puzzled. Maybe he's saving some strategy for the Finals if it comes to that. I don't know. All I know is if I see Michael Finley guarding Kobe Bryant on March 12th, I'm gonna throw something.

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