Thursday, January 15, 2009

Laaaaaakers Suck...They Really Really Suck.

Who knew there were almost as many Lakers fans in San Antonio as Spurs fans? I'm in the toilet of America (St. Louis) so I got to watch last night's game on The World Wide Leader. While I was waiting for Mike Tirico to turn into the crowd and fondle some women, I couldn't help but hear many boos as Tim Duncan, yes the same Tim Duncan who made us laugh...and cry in that Gillette commercial with David Robinson, was taking free throws. "Surely I'm not hearing booo. Maybe they're yelling 'Fooooooo' as in fool because...oh fuck it they're booing."

"You fuckin kidding me? I'm hearing boos in my own Arena. Good thing I'm Armor Class -9"

The same thing happened during the last regular season game I went to. That one was versus Dallas. And the My Little Ponies won that game. I hated everything. But it showed a pattern. Spurs fans don't really show up for the regular season anymore. The Finals game I went to had to be 98% Spurs fans. Then again who would admit they were a Cavs fan? Anyways, our fanbase has become the Atlanta Braves fanbase of the past 13 years. I would know because I'm a Braves fan too. Stop laughing. It's not a good trend if the Spurs want good seeding going into the Playoffs or as Bruce Bowen likes to call it, "Prissy Bitches Gonna Die". I would go to every game if I could. But like I said I live in the Lou. Come on local Spurs fans. Nut up and go to the games. Even if it's just so you can fart on a Suns/Lakers/Mavs fan. Don't fart on Rockets fans though, I've heard they actually enjoy it. Something about reminding them of Houston.

Ok back to the game. Last night was devoid of defense from both teams for the majority of the game. The first quarter went by like a flash. But it was a good kind of flash, like the kind you get while dropping acid. Only this trip wasn't gonna leave you licking a lamp post in December because you thought it was a really big popsicle. Roger Mason Jr. aka Money, hit two threes and one really long two. You could tell his shot was on from the beginning. Parker pretty much ran the team and while he didn't have an assist after 11:40, he played well and made nice cuts. The Lakers got an unreal quarter from Garbage Man The Original (not to be confused with Garbage Man The Second). The Spanish Stinker (he probably stinks) was 7/8 in the first. Not exactly Spurs type defense eh?

"Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."

The second quarter was taken over by a few men who go by Manu "I would have your man babies" Ginobili and the aforementioned Tim Duncan. Manu wound up with 15 points on 5/8 shooting with 2 free throws. In other words he was the stud we knew he was. Damn ankles. Tim had himself a nice stretch with 4 straight possessions going to him. He made 3 jumpers, 1 out of 2 free throws, and had 2 boards in those 4 possessions. All in all pretty good. The half ended how it usually does. Tony took on two defenders on a fast break and missed the shot. Same old same old.

"Did I leave the oven on? I must have cuz I am on FIYAAAAH!"

Third quarters have historically been when the Spurs have laid an egg. I guess they decided to buck that trend last night. A bunch of guys got involved in the 3rd. Tony had several great possessions in a row. Money hit some more shots. Hell even our resident Grumpy Old Man, Kurt Thomas, hit a couple jumpers. I hear you go blind if you look into his eyes. It made his adolscent dating experiences end rather badly. The ball movement was very good througout but it was glaringly good during this stretch in the 3rd. The Lakers kept hanging around. The end of the quarter was what makes this rivalry so fun. Manu got fouled shooting a three. This prompted Phil Jackson to mentally slap Jeanie Buss. He apologized in his mind, he's Zen like that. SeƱor Bald Spot made all three free throws but shaded off of Trevor Ariza on the way back down court. It led to an Ariza three. But this is Manu Ginobili. He make shot. He make shot well. ESPN has it listed as a 29-foot 3 pointer. I disagree, simply because Manu's nuts are bigger than that. So he must have been farther away. World Wide Leader my ass.


4th quarter rolls around with the Spurs having a 9 point lead. It's too good to be true. It has to be. Either the teams decided to play defense or both teams forgot how to run an offense. I'm thinking it was a bit of both. But with the ascension of Josh "I think I'm good enough to hold a pose for 10 seconds" Powell and lax offensive execution, the Lakers climbed back from an 11 point deficit to take a 3 point lead at 108-105 with 1:31 left in the game. If I hadn't been on my third beer I would've definitely taken some that ever stopped me before. Tim Duncan decided he wanted to be Tim Duncan and made two hooks (more on one of these in a second) to give the Spurs a one point lead at 109-108 with 28 seconds to go.

You're not THAT good Powell. Even if you were KoME is on your team. Ha!

Now, the referees this season have been terrible. They're so inconsistent and after the Magic game I was ready to send threatening letters to Joey "Beluga Whale" Crawford. They were terrible again last night. But they seemed to be fairly consistent in their awfulness. Tim got hacked a lot and definitely got fouled on that second hook shot that put the Spurs up 1 with 28 seconds left. My Lakers fan buddy Gabe claims Duncan wasn't fouled. I don't like Gabe so much. Kobe was also fouled a few times with no call. Garbage Man the Original is too soft to go into the lane so we'll ignore him.

Oh hey Joey I just wanted to...oh I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was at Sea World.

As if God wanted to show us how he invented foreshadowing, Pop's declaration of "It's Kobe time" came true on the Lakers second to last (hahahaha) poessession. With Money draped on him, Kobe hit a three. FUCK. Great. Awesome. Oh and Kobe's doing the Sam Cassell/Isuro Tanaka dance down the floor.

"You have no....You have no...MAWBULS. You have no mawbuls!"

Eat a dick Kobe. Luckily for our maligned heroes, KoMe left time on the clock. Also luckily for the Spurs, they employ one Roger Money Mason Jr. I'm not sure why I started laughing. Maybe it's because Fishturd was called for a foul. Maybe it's because I was thinking of Phil Jackson eating a bucket of fried chicken while wearing a string tie. Who knows? But Money hit the shot. I, and I presume every other Spurs fan, was ecstatic that our one Free Agent signing has turned out so well. Money calmly hit the free throw and the Spurs had to get down the floor to defend because the Lakers were out of timeouts. Everyone there had to know the Spurs would double Kobe. Except apparently Kobe. Trevor Ariza? Really? I mean, he's been very good for a role player. But that's who you get the ball to with time running down? You're better than that KoMe. Anyways, traveling got called and Ariza missed the shot. Was it traveling? Who cares? It got called and the NBA doesn't reverse calls. With 0.8 seconds left all the Spurs had to do was get the ball in. Surprisingly they did and the game was over.

Look at Laker Fan scream. Laugh at Laker Fan.

Man what a game. I can say this. If every meeting is like this between these two teams I'm gonna need to stop eating so many juicy Burger King Whoppers (advertising money pending). The Lakers are a good team. It would be harder to hate them if Phil Jackson and guys like Josh Powell weren't there. But they are. So FTL.

Until next time gents.

This is Ankle Bones.

Jesus Saves.


  1. Cool thanks for the recap. What do you know about the Spurs trade prospects?

  2. Well the popular trades all involve Ime, Oberto, Vaughn, and a combo of Splitter's rights and draft picks. The Spurs are definitely looking for a big man. If Darius Miles plays one more game don't be surprised if the Blazers start shopping one of their big men. Of course they'd have to get a good value for him because they're not really in a rush. OKC also has a lot of bigs and people are saying they're the most likely trade partner. But when is anyone ever right when it comes to prognosticating what the Spurs will do? I wouldn't be surprised if they make a trade with Maccabi Tel-Aviv* for some guy we've never heard of.

    *You can't actually trade with a foreign league.



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